The Occasional Drink
by TENNIS-w-GUITARS
Summary: It was more of special occasion. Not an everyday thing, only happening on certain days where it felt required to reminisce with each other. Sitting down at the bar, drinking some burning liquid and having our silent conversations; that was our occasional drink.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail, big surprise.**

Summary: Years after I first enter the guild, my countless broken hearts repaired anew, and my accepting a lost innocence in me that can never be recovered or replaced, I do the one thing I refused to do from the start with Cana; something we never got the chance to bond over: Sit down at the bar, reminisce in silence of a sadness that's like an old friend, think of the happiness we know and hope to come, and have a damn drink together.

* * *

**The Occasional Drink**

We were always good friends before. She told me, later, that I had saved her from the depths of her darkness- I had given her light during the times in her life she felt lowest. I hadn't known that before, and felt oddly proud of myself that I could have an impact on someone in that way. Cana was one of my closer friends, especially after the whole S-class trials. Having her open herself up that way, having her tell me of her father Gildarts, showing me her inner turmoil the way she did- a part of me was frazzled. I mean, first off, this was Cana: She's one of the toughest chicks I know, she didn't take crap from anyone. Cana was someone who always kept her issues to herself; I recognized that when I first met her. She always seemed so strong, so when she broke down in front of me, telling me her life story I couldn't help but cry with her. Another part of me didn't fully understand. Cana began to talk of things I had not yet experienced myself. Things like sex and heartbreak and depression. How sex changes things, how it makes things more complex. Cana talked about events in her life, and though I listen dutifully, I did not yet understand the depths of that pain she held. As time passed, and our discussion had long since ended, I began to slowly feel the pain she told me of. I don't regret the causes of this pain though; for it allowed me to grow as a person and understand others more, including Cana, but... Pain is still pain. And pain still hurts.

**...**

Weeks after losing my virginity to Paul, the man I have been seeing as of late, Paul began to act strange. It seems all we've been doing lately is arguing, and though sometimes that makes sex better, it also makes it bitter. I can never agree with him on anything anymore, and our favorite book that sparked our first date, is now a book I've begun to hate. I think people at the guild have noticed my sour mood because they're always asking me what's wrong. I never give them an honest answer since I don't really understand what's wrong myself. Natsu seems more protective of me then usual, and I don't know why. He never leaves my side anymore, and whenever someone asks me what's wrong and I hesitate he always glares at them and tells them to leave. He must know that me not knowing the answer to that question makes me sad. But, when the wind blows by or he steps in my room he cringes and scrunches his nose in disgust for a moment as if something smells truly awful, and then he looks so sad, so much in pain, I almost ask him what's wrong. But, he doesn't notice I notice him, so I never bring it up, because I get the feeling he doesn't want to talk about it. It must be a dragon thing, I conclude.

I haven't seen Paul in three days; he tells me he's busy with work but lately I think he's avoiding me. And I'll admit it, I'm kind of avoiding him too. It seems every time I'm with him now I want to say something but I never get the chance to. Everything I want to say shows clearly on my face, I know it does, and whenever I'm about to initiate some sort of conversation he looks so repulsed at the idea. So my excitement of talking with him dies down, and I hunch forward, defeated before even trying. Then he comments on my posture issues and I can't even look at him.

One day, on a day I felt very empty, I bring Cana over and we take a bath together like we did that one time she told me her life story. At my apartment when I tell her we're taking a bath, she sets her tankard down, strips and puts on a serious expression as she lets the hot water run.

I tell her everything; how Paul and me met, our first date, our first kiss, everything, even the detail of our sex. She listens dutifully as I comically splash my hands around in the tub, explaining to her my dilemma that's kept me confused for weeks. She listens even after I stop talking and I shift around the water with the eerie silence as she collects her thoughts on my problems.

"Are you happy with him Lucy?" she asks me suddenly, breaking the long silence. "I feel like I should be, and I want to be, but..." I break off because something important is suddenly dawning on me, and Cana knows it, but I still don't really understand it quite yet. Cana's giving me this look that says she knows exactly what I'm talking about, which scares me because I don't even fully understand what I'm talking about, but she does.

"Its simple Lucy... Do you really love him? Do you like being around him, does it feel... natural?" She asks quietly to me over the faint sloshing of water in the tub.

I ponder this for a moment... And then I know now why she was giving me that look. It's been over for a while now hasn't it? Or maybe it never began: our love for one another.

"No." My voice cracks a little at my reply because I feel so stupid that I didn't notice my own unhappiness before. I feel ashamed I didn't even recognize that Paul and me we're really nothing of importance. That we felt nothing for each other, and that the few feelings we did hold were nothing special. Our love was empty, a shell hollowed up for a love that was never meant to be with each other. Paul... Paul, with the dark blue eyes that I loved- they reminded me of the night sky.

Cana steps out of the tub, grabs two towels and watches as the water spill over. "Get out, dry off, and clean yourself up, Lucy. You deserve better then this." She says to me, holding out a towel. I step out, grabbing the towel, knowing what I have to do. Oh, Paul...

**...**

Paul opens the door to his apartment after my first knock; barely sparing a glance before he rushes back into the living room where I know his office work is stationed at. I follow him through the hall; the walls in his apartment are still naked. I always told him to put pictures up or something, it looks so dead in here. "Look, Lucy, I'm really busy right now, can we talk later?" Paul says quickly, adjusting on his glasses, looking worried about something on the sheet of paper he is inspecting. He needs to look at me; I need him to see me. He never sees me.

"Paul... Paul, we need to talk." I say gravely. His shaggy chalk brown hair falls in his face as he continues reading sheets of paper for work, not hearing me, ignoring me. Why did I give him everything when he can't even spare a second to listen to me?

"Yeah, okay Lucy, just a minute" He replies distractedly, dragging out his words as he still reads though his papers. That's it. " Paul! Paul, look at me!" I yell, getting his attention finally. He looks surprised at my outburst and questions dryly, "Yes, Lucy, you have my attention, what is it?" Even though his eyes remind me of the night sky, the sky I love so dearly, his tone and approach to everything in life now reminds me of my father right after my mothers death. How did I not notice this before? He's so negative about everything, and he's busy all the time, he scolds me like he has the right to- just like my father use to be. "Paul, I don't love you." I say bluntly. On the walk over, I tried to think of how to tell him, how to break up with my first serious boyfriend. I chose the Natsu approach: Be honest and get straight to the point. I continue on, " I never did, I mean I thought I did... But I really didn't. And I'm sorry. I don't think we should see each other anymore, Paul." He looks so wounded. Is it possible I underestimated his feelings for me? Maybe he really did love me. But then I remember the night I lost my virginity: how he pushed it and I reluctantly gave in. How the following day I woke up cold, empty and alone, grasping the empty sheets next to me, drinking luke-warm coffee, and feeling incredibly sad. There we're no smiles and rainbows like there were suppose to be the day after I lost it, it didn't feel right, especially when he disregarded me in bed and left for work without a goodbye.

" Look, I truly believed I loved you. But, now I know I don't because I realized I'm not myself around you, and it doesn't feel right being with you anymore now that I'm noticing all these faults in 'us'. You deserve a girl who can give you her whole heart, and I deserve the same. I won't cheat you, or myself of that any longer. We're done." I finish; turn on my heel and leaving. I don't think I'll be seeing Paul again anytime soon.

…

After Paul, there we're others. Guys I maybe loved for a second, guys I wanted to love, and men I just admired. Sex. Heartbreak. Depression. After the years, and a small handful of serious boyfriends later, I can say that I've experienced each of those three categories fully. I've dated my fair share of Paul's even after I learned my lesson. They came in different shapes and sizes, with different hair colors and careers, but they we're all the same in that fact that they didn't work out, they weren't special, and they weren't for me. Maybe they all had different intentions and personalities but they end result was the same: Nothing. I know, it sounds like I'm trying on clothes or something, but that's just how it was.

**...**

There are days where I feel like all the bad shit in my life comes at me and smacks me in the face so hard I can do nothing but replay it all in my head as I sit still and practice breathing- because just this once I've forgotten how. Today was one of those days. Thinking about the few men I've slept with, and of Paul, oh Paul. I hadn't thought of him in a long time. I forgave and accepted myself for that horrible relationship, but sometimes it hurts thinking of the quaint quiet Paul who unintentionally broke me. It took me weeks, months, to get over him, and about half a year to accept everything that happened in that relationship; how I lost something special to a man who didn't care, and he wasn't very gentle that night either. After my thoughts on Paul fade, I think of one thing I never really considered: drinking. I know. I know, its not a good habit to drink your sorrows away. Well, I'm going to try it just this once anyway.

Changing out of my pajamas, I put on a plain short pleated black skirt with a loose dark red long sleeved top that shows of my shoulders, a black bra you can see because of my bare shoulders and some lace up boots. My hair is all down; since I decided not to do anything with it and just leave it flat for once. I took off all my make-up because tonight won't be a night to dress up or look pretty. Tonight's a night of recollection and booze and who wants to dress up for that?

Yet walking to the guild, I get a few catcalls along the way anyway. My feet click on the cobblestone path and I push open the doors to the guild. At my expression, everyone inside seems to freeze. I give my solemn greetings before making my way to the bar. The bar that faces the door to the guild isn't the one I want today. Today I'm going to the side bar. The bar that bends over the left side and hides in the shadows. It's a lot more private, and everyone has dubbed it as the serious drinking area. The bar side that no one goes to for happiness and parties, but for wallowing in the past. Or at least, that's what the left side of the bar has come to be commonly known for.

Sitting at the bar at the guild, I realize that this is the first time I came with the intention of getting a drink, not to hang out with friends. The bar stool creaks a little complaint as I shift around, waiting for Cana to bring me a drink behind the bar. When I told her of my intention to drink tonight, she offered to join me, which I gladly accepted. I figured I'd be safe getting drunk with Cana, of all people. For once the guild seems calm, as if my mood has affected everyone else's. I looked around for Natsu, but after not seeing him from my first scope of the hall I can guess he's probably out with Happy. When Cana and I move to the side end of the bar, people back off, and make no comment. Even Mirajane seems to understand the silent message to leave us alone tonight, and only offers a sad smile of encouragement before backing away, leaving us be. Cana comes around the corner of the bar; a bottle of scotch in one, two shot glasses in the other. I was already nursing a beer I had snatching from behind the bar counter where I was sitting, but I pushed that aside for now, knowing I needed the scotch more.

Cana poured my glass full, then hers, and set the heavy bottle down with a soft 'clunk'. We both reached for our shot glasses at the same time and downed them at the same time as well. After the second shot, it felt like Cana and I were having a silent discussion with each other. There were no words, but I felt like we had already said a lot. And by the third shot I felt like we knew each other perfectly.

Our silent conversation consisted of life and all its miseries, but of all the happiness too. We ended up actually verbally talking about Natsu somehow, and I blushed not only because of the alcohol but also because what Cana was implying. I didn't quite understand my thoughts on the Natsu subject, and I obviously didn't want to go there, so we went back to our silent conversation and steered off into a different direction. By the end of our drink together I felt comforted and reassured, something I wouldn't have gotten without Cana, alcohol, small talk, and our no worded conversation.

I wasn't drunk till the fifth glass, and later I'll wonder how we had managed to have that conversation with no words. I wasn't drunk at the time of it, so I know I wasn't imagining it. I wasn't even really buzzed till the fourth glass, and even then we didn't speak very much at all, except about Natsu. I was drunk that night but said nothing, well, till the eighth shot- then I was about to take off my top and boast of my funny birthmark to the entire guild; Cana said she'd take off her pants and show everyone hers too. The guild cheered, and a small party commenced because we we're out of the serious drinking zone then, having slide over to the normal bar. I think Cana allowed or willed herself to get drunk sooner this time, because I know she could've handle way more shots then that and still be sober. But she didn't, and I'm glad we got drunk together. Thankfully, before we could strip in front of the guild, someone stopped us. I don't know who took Cana, but I know who took care of me. I recall pink hair and an incessantly talking cat in my ear. I remember said cat flying away after Natsu entered my house. I remember Natsu unlacing my shoes; sliding them off with such gentleness I smile thinking of it now. I recall Natsu grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen, telling me to drink it all before bed. I drank the water and slumped back to my bed. I was falling asleep, but I believe I felt Natsu take of his shoes too, and climb into bed with me. He snuggled up beside me, pressing his face into my neck, regardless of my puke and booze breathe, and held me.

**...**

The next morning my head was pounding, my house phone beeping with unheard messages, and my eyes felt like they were on fire. I freak out because I have a partner who can make that nightmare very much a reality by pure accident, but I calm down after touching them with my hands. Opening my eyes again, I locate two clear green pills Natsu must have left out for me near my bed and I try to reach for them knowing they are Advil, till I realize I can't move. I'm stuck in a strong grip that could only be made by two warm arms. My face scrunches up in annoyance, I NEED that Advil. The damn birds are chirping way too loud outside my window and if I don't get those pills soon the song-singers of nature will be whipped in half due to their loudness. I turn around to see Natsu, smiling in his sleep, and snuggling closer to me, pressing his face into my neck and breathing me in. His smiling face turn to that of sadness, as he starts mumbling and grumbling angrily in his sleep. He must be having a strange dream, I conclude as I slip my body through his grasp enough to get my pills, down some water and let the medicine take its toll on me. "Hangovers suck" I whisper softly to myself. But I don't regret last night. I still remember the silent conversation between Cana and I, however, everything after that is a blur. I snuggle back into the covers, smile in Natsu's embrace and get use to the pounding headache, because something tells me it'll be inevitable I get another one again someday.

**...**

I shift on my creaky stool and take some shots of scotch with Cana. It wasn't a natural occurrence, more like a special occasion. We would always have our conversation with no words on this kind of drinking days. And we always got wasted afterwards.

"I'm thankful for all the Paul's in my life that have caused me pain," I tell her silently one time, while holding my second shot, "because even though the time and efforts and innocence can't be recovered, They helped me become a better me. And I'll always be thankful for that." There's a flicker of recognition in her eyes, and I think maybe I've helped Cana once again. We raise our glasses, clink them together and down them at the same time.

My throat burns, but I relish in the feeling.

Cana and I have always been close. But its times like these where I feel like our understanding for one another deepens strengthens, and the special bond we share reaches new heights. Friendships are about the highs and lows and everything in between, the highs, sometimes the easiest to get to. The lows are usually harder. Cana is one of the few people I can scratch the bottom with, another being Natsu, I said in my head, wondering if Cana can hear me.

She smiles at me so genuinely I can't help but smile right back at her. Cana grabs the scotch and pours the clear brownish liquid into my shot glass again, setting the bottle aside with a quiet 'clunk'.

Shot number three- I wonder how long our silent conversation will go on this time.

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**A/N: **Okay, so that whole silent conversation thing going on between Cana and Lucy? Entirely possible. I know it sounds strange, and i won't blame you if you don't believe it, but i've had quite a few of those with my own friends. Its like.. When you are perfectly in sync with each other, theres no need for words. It comes a lot easier too after a few shots too. Well, anyways, i hope you guys got the hints i dropped about Natsu liking Lucy in this. Don't worry, in my mind, at the end of this stories world they do get together.

Reviews are greatly appreciated!


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